What a beautiful, tiring, overwhelming and incredible blur the past few weeks have been. Leaving the hospital with a baby felt really.. strange! Like, we knew that this boy grew inside of me, but the fact that he was now here and I was back to old Steffy made it all seem so surreal, like being pregnant never really happened.
The first few nights were tough. We were new at changing diapers so there were "poopsplosions" and we were getting peed on while we were half asleep in the middle of the night. We laughed, we groaned, we barely slept, we hugged and felt our relationship grow in an entirely new way. Apparently babies don't know the difference between day and night, so when we realized that sleeping all day was our bedtime nightmare, things started to get a little bit better.
By day three we had established a bedtime routine, and some ways to relieve eachother. Matt keeps Hudson awake while I take a nighttime 1-2 hour nap. When I wake up, we bathe him, change him and then I feed him, so by midnight we're all ready for bed. Getting that nap in before bed made nighttime feeds SO much better for me, and Hudson began to sleep in 3-4 hour stretches from being kept awake before bed. Matt has been incredible, and takes care of the night changes. Then in the morning, I change and feed Hudson and play with him so Matt can sleep in. This system works SO well for us, and has made the first few weeks much better. Luckily Matt took a few weeks off of work, and my parents were close by for the first 3 weeks.
As far as feeling hormonal, I felt off-balance the first few days but I feel fine now. On our 3rd day home our parents took Hudson for a walk so we could nap. I am not going to lie, I missed him so much in the hour he was away that I cried. I've looked at him a million times and cried. I cannot believe that we made him, that he is ours, that he is so perfect and sweet and innocent and that I get to watch him grow up and support him for his entire life. It has given my life a new purpose, but it also scares the shit out of me. I never realized how nervous I would feel - like I don't want him out of my eyeshot, and I check on him throughout the night just to see him move and breath.
It has also been so inspiring seeing the kind of dad that Matt is. He helps me out so much, and seeing his face light up when Hudson is around makes me feel so warm inside. It really is an entirely new kind of love seeing this person who you've grown up with and spent life with then become the father to your child. Figuring it out together and acting like a team is really what has gotten us through these few weeks.
Hudson is the sweetest baby. I know all babies are sweet, but the way that he looks at me when he rests his head on my shoulder just melts my heart. He recently discovered that he can hold onto my hair, and his eyes light up when he runs his fingers through it. It is the cutest thing ever. We also love holding a crinkle mirror in front of him and watching him see his own reflection. It's fascinating watching him discover the world around him. I hope he always finds things this magical.
I can't lie and say having a baby is all rainbows and unicorns, because it is not. There's been absolutely chaotic moments when there's poop on the wall and I'm covered in spit up, and I still haven't eaten or brushed my teeth. I was totally thrown for a loop - I am a planner, and the kind of person who can perpetually have too much on my plate and make it work. Motherhood is different. Something about having zero alone time and constantly having to care for this tiny person who loves you so much and needs you so much can zap your energy like nothing else! But I am soaking it in, all of it, the beautiful moments and the really tough ones too! I'll make sure to check-in and share how things are going over here periodically. Xo!