The other night I woke up in the middle of the night (for the 1093298 time), and I was sweating. I had a nightmare, something related to my pregnancy, and for a second I thought it was just a dream, but I felt my belly and it was still there. Suddenly, this full body, totally gripping fear seeped through my blood -- I am going to have to push this baby out of me. He is going to have to exit, and it's up to me to make that happen.
This is the first time since being pregnant that I really felt that kind of fear, but as my due date approaches, it seems like a natural feeling. I've never had stitches, never broken a bone, I am CAUTIOUS, and careful and I avoid pain at all costs. So the fear of labor just makes sense to me.
Pregnancy is so glamorized in social media nowadays, heck I do it too. The bump shots, the calm photos of mom cradling her belly, the social media people we follow who are back to their old selves in under a week. Of course I am grateful for this little guy, of course I love him and OF COURSE I realized pregnancy wouldn't be easy (and that being a mother is going to be even harder), but I am also for some reason overcome with the feeling of guilt because society teaches us that we have to feel a certain way about certain life events, and that is just not true!
I am sure that the baby I will get to raise at the end of this will be more than worth the struggle, but that doesn't mean it isn't a struggle, and that the feelings us preggo ladies feel don't mean anything. The 1st trimester is rough - there's so much anxiety, so much nausea and hunger, so much change to our bodies. The second trimester (for me) was a battle against the scale - I knew how much time I had left to be pregnant, and I didn't want to feel immobile by the beginning of my 3rd trimester. So I pushed myself to exercise, and to eat right, and to make sure that I wasn't giving up because of how tired and uncomfortable I was feeling. Of course this isn't everyone's path or choice, but it was mine.
And now - now if I put together furniture and bend too much, I need a nap. I can't run, my clothing doesn't fit me, I can hardly breathe, sleep doesn't happen, indigestion and heartburn is constant, and I know I don't have it half as bad as some other women out there! I am not trying to rant or complain, I just wanted to say that it's okay to dislike being pregnant, even if society says it isn't. It's okay to be scared. I'm scared. But I know in the end it will be worth it.